


anxiety

by Skelworaw



Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-11 02:23:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15305346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skelworaw/pseuds/Skelworaw
Summary: This is just something I wrote about how my anxiety feels to me and things in general. Writing helps me coping with it.





	anxiety

10 July, 2018

So my head is in a weird space right now and i feel like it would help to just write down all my thoughts and everything that goes through my head in moments like this. I write this in english because i feel like i can express myself better like that at the moment.   
There is quite much pulling me up and down right now. I feel like that comes from the fact that i basically just came back from my exchange year and i am starting to realize that it is over.  
That such a big part of my life is just over. That i will never get to see my exhange family again who is like a real family for me now. That i will never get to see my exchange friends again. Not only the ones from estonia but also all the other exchange students who have really grown on me during that 10 months. That i leave behind a country that has become a home to me. 

And i think that is really doing smth to me at the moment. I am not exactly sure what all of it means for me. But i guess it is something big. It is just so weird for me to be back. To listen to german. To speak german again. To be “home” again. It doesnt really makes sense either. I love my family. I live my friends. My german ones. But it doesnt seem like they get me. Get what i have been through. How much i changed and how much even they changed. And even though it saddens me we have come to walk different paths. I feel like i do not really belong here anymore.

But i am gonna be honest. I always kind of felt like that- had that feeling of not belonging. People just dont seem to get me. I am trying really hard but i just cannot do it. I always feel like i am the odd one, the weird one, the person who just does not fit. I guess that is because of my anxiety. Of my insecurities. Of the way my mind seems not to get how it is supposed to behave, how i want it to behave.  
But also how can i expect people to understand me. I cant even understand myself. I get what i am feeling but, in most cases at least, i just cannot get why, i know how irrational the thoughts are that go through my head every day. I start overthinking. People tell me to stop. Stop worrying. Stop making everything so much more complicated that it has to be.  
And I get that. I get that i should not be doing that. That I should let things rest. To just let them be. But even though i tell myself that, I just imagine the worst things that can happen. The worst outcome. The worst scenario.   
And then i get stuck in my head. I kind of just stop to function. 

I am making myself nervous, anxious even. I am getting scared.

Then i start talking myself down. Making iteven worse. For myself. And probably for everyone else as well. 

And then i just cannot do it. No matter how hard i try. 

And that leads to panic attacks.   
Then the panic attacks come. 

I already wrote once how they feel. What they do to me.

But i think i am going to do it again. I feel like it helps me of kinda getting to know them. Not how to get rid of them. How to deal with them. 

It helps me getting to understand what they really are. 

Panic attacks to me feel like drowning. I feel like i am getting dragged under water. Only there is nothing really dragging me down.   
Except myself. 

What the worst part is i think is the fact that the more i try the more i seem to be dragged down. Like i am trying to get to the surface but the more i wiggle, the more i move my arms the deeper i sink. Tha farer away is the surface. 

And then it gets worse. I am realizing that i simply cannot do it. 

That is the part where i cannot hold my breath anymore. I open my mouth. But everything that comes inside is- nothing. But it feels like water. Like something trying to kill me. Even though it is supposed to keep me alive.

And then it gets worse. 

There seems to be a weird heaviness on my chest. Pressing down on my lungs. On the lungs filled with water. I start coughing. But there is no point. I am still under water. My chest just gets heavier and heavier. It starts to feel like stones. Stones pulling me deeper. 

And then it gets worse. 

Because i feel like hyperventilating. 

I feel like i am suffocating. 

My vision starts to fade. Black points appearing. Everything starts to fade. 

And then there is a shadow. A person.   
They hold out their hand, i want to grab it. But i cant. I just sink deeper.   
I try so hard.   
So so hard.   
But i cannot help it.   
I cannot reach it. 

And suddenly i am over the surface. On hard ground. Sitting in front of me is the person. 

Breathe, they say. 

I try. 

But i cant. 

I start to panic again. 

Just breathe, they say again. 

And i try.  
I really try.   
I feel a warm hand on my chest. 

Please just breathe, the person says. 

I want to scream.   
I want to say, i am trying. 

I am trying so hard. 

I try to tell them. 

Everything i can get out tho are sobs. Panicked sobs. 

I just want to breathe. Why am i not able to? I am not underwater. I know that. Yet still nothing seems to make it better.

Pathetic. 

I start to panic harder. What if they leave now? If they realize how broken i am? That nothing can really help, that there is no way to help me, to get rid of the problem.   
Because   
The problem is me. 

And i cannot get rid of myself. Sometimes i would like to, i think.   
I do not want to die.   
I am not really scared of dying.  
Not really.  
I am more scared of what happens to the people i leave behind.   
I do not want to hurt them.   
Disappoint them.   
Leave them hanging.


End file.
